I Miss My Village

“You have young children and a full-time job.  You don’t have time to be a good friend right now.  Friendship requires time and follow-up and the ability to drop what you’re doing and go – it requires spontaneity.  You can’t do that right now.  So get over it and stop with the guilt.”

There it was.  As I lamented my inability to get in touch with friends for the past few years – just a simple phone call a few time zones away or a quick get-together over the weekend – my colleague, herself about to become an empty-nester, laid it out in clear terms.

I stood there stunned at her statement.  Stunned not because of the shock of what she said, but rather because she stated the obvious, whether I wanted to hear or admit it or not.  At this point in my life, with two healthy and active boys ages almost two and almost five, a full-time job, and closest family located over a two-hour drive away, I am overwhelmed.  There, I said it!  Work fills the day.  After work, there is generally a quick errand revolving around dry cleaning or a grocery or pharmacy pick-up, then it’s off to be a mom.  Then dinner, then clean-up, then lunches, then play and books and baths.  Bedtime rolls around quickly, and shortly after the boys are out, my husband and I are too.  The alarm goes off and we start again. 

Weekends are similar in chaos with household chores, oftentimes trips to see family, completion of projects unfinished or untouched during the week, and oh yes, the need to spend some quality, hopefully unrushed time with those growing active boys.

And when any level of chaos is introduced into the schedule (illness, a late work meeting or deadline, appliance or vehicle breakage, etc.), we fall into survival mode.  We accept communications coming in, but those going out are purely on a need to get out now basis.

I used to be an organizer of fun – a gatherer of people.  In my single and childless days, I was good for a party every month or so, encouraged gatherings after work at the nearby pub, and organized some small group trips to the theater or sporting events in downtown Detroit.  I enjoy connecting with people and enabling other people to connect with each other – not in a matchmaking capacity since that so often results in disconnects, but rather in a friendship or acquaintance capacity.  I enjoy getting to know people & how they think.  I’m not a good networker or salesperson, but I am a people-person.  And I’ve never had any qualms about bringing together my high school and college and work friends.  I’m just not able to compartmentalize my friendships in that way.  I want my village to know who lives there and feel free to go have a beer together at the local pub, whether I am there or not.

But alas, I have lost my organizer role.  I gather people infrequently now, maybe a couple times a year at most.  And the last gathering I’d planned for the Superbowl was cancelled due to our friend the roto-virus (see Programmed to Climb, Round Two post).

I have also lost my ability just to be there for people consistently.  I seem relegated to being there only when really needed and that is just not a comfortable place for me.  Facebook and email have helped, and as I’ve become familiar with Facebook and gathered a virtual village, I do feel like I’m stepping back in.  Since I started FB  last fall, I’ve gotten back in touch with friends I’ve not seen nor heard from in 20 years!  That has been fantastic & is getting me through this physical friendship drought.

I still miss my village and the virtual world will never be a replacement for dinner, a drink, or quick face-to-face visit.  And, I hope when the time comes, maybe a year or two from now, that my village will take me back.  The next time we get together, I presume we’ll all be a little older and a little wiser, but still engaging.  I’m certain that like many college and high school reunions we attend, we’ll pick up the conversation and laughter from the point we left off just after the birth of our children.  And I’m hopeful I can get back to being that consistent friend and a gatherer of people that I was just a few years ago.  Yes, it will be nice to live in the village again.